I Am Ill....

...so I haven't even had the ability to even think about the direction of my music or my life for that matter. This is an ongoing concern with me and honestly, my health seems like it's rapidly diminishing. I feel so fragile all the time. To say  it's disappointing would be a vast understatement. Being so breakable and so ultra sensitive to everything is really starting to affect my day to day living and my ability to do things. Some days I'm alright but other days, I'm fighting just to get the necessities taken care of so I can lay down. I'm currently trying to see if changing my diet will make any difference in my 'condition' (not that I know what that is). I'm trying to avoid seeing a doctor...I haven't had very good experiences with doctors when I don't know what's wrong with myself already. It sounds silly, I know. Maybe I've just had the wrong doctors. Either way, experience tells me that if I go to the doctor's not having figured out what's wrong myself, they'll take a bunch of tests, tell me they can't find anything wrong, send me to a neurologist who then tries to sell me on sleeping pills I don't need....no thank you. Psychologically, I was just starting to feel better about my life and it's possible directions, etc. when this whole physical unwell started to be a concern. I started to become very sensitive to the food I ate (now I can hardly eat anything at all without feeling ill), suffering from extreme motion sickness (even riding in the car is a fight for me), not being able to do anything remotely physical (even yoga makes me dizzy and nauseated), and over-heating and feeling dizzy at the most bizarre of times. 

Even though I'm whining through this blog, don't get me wrong-I am happy and I know that everything will turn out fine in the end (whenever that may be). It's just that my inability to go about my everyday activities as I would have in the past is very frustrating and crippling emotionally as well. Spring has finally begun, even if the temperature is still falling into the 30's now and then. I love spring and I love partaking in outdoor activities and staying busy, but it's hard to stay busy and focused when your body is rebelling against all your wishes. 

All in all, I feel blessed for the family I have to take care of me and care for me enough to be concerned and offer any help they can. Everything happens for a reason and in due time I will accomplish all that I am intended to accomplish, and perhaps this detour is not a detour after all despite what it may seem. 

This is all very humbling...I am completely aware of the vulnerability of being a human. I am not indestructible and I will not live forever...not in this body anyway. 

I'll leave you all with a simple quote that's sums up how I feel at the moment from Ingrid Michaelson, talented singer/songwriter - look her up if you haven't already. "I just want to be okay, I just want to be okay today. I just want to know today, know that maybe I will be okay"

Ingrid's myspace

Anyway I Can, I'll Stay.

Wrote this song yesterday, and as always, I'd rather sing it than type out lyrics but here I go anyway seeing as I don't have any choice in that matter for the time being.

Stay Anyway

(K. Eryn H.)

When we woke up this morning, you said that you forgive me

But there's no telling at all if you believe me

Or if it's just habit to stay

I know nothing about a sweet surrender

There's just nothing sweet about knowing

What you want and what you need are always two different things

And it's bittersweet to stay

It's bittersweet to stay when all the choices are already made

So still my heart, it's beating may give me away

There is nothing to be done about it

Knowing nothing can be done about it

I'm asking just to stay anyway

And it's hard saying "never" and "forever"

Knowing no return, my lungs are ever bruising from this heavy breathing

Keeping two should be relieving

Oh, stupid heart, you never did know what was good for you

And it's bittersweet to stay

It's bittersweet to stay when all the choices are already made

So still my heart, it's beating may give me away

There is nothing to be done about it

Knowing nothing can be done about it

I'm asking just to stay anyway

Anyway I can, I'll stay...

There is a right way for me to pursue music. I know there is. So why does it have to be so damn evasive. Every time I think I've figured it out, it just goes and blows up in my face and there I am starting from scratch again. I will figure it out. It's just a matter of how many times I can get it wrong before that happens.... 

Do I want to be the mother that's always saying goodbye to her beautiful son? - No!

Do I want to be the singer/songwriter who gives up on her dreams? - No!

The problem being, I have an innate yearning to be everything for everyone, including myself - high standards, perfectionism, and all that- and yet I usually end up feeling more like a failure because of it. I am a musician. It flows in my blood. And I will find happiness through it all.....

....it's such a fine line between the truth and a lie.... (to quote myself)

Sorry for being such a babbler. Maybe what I need is a diary-not a blog...lol. I've never been one for diaries though...such a typical girl thing to take part in...not my style. So blog it is! And I can continue to drag all you fine people through the mud with me every step of the way...ha ha. But just think, the success will be that much sweeter because of it.... (right?)

Hooray!

So today (or maybe it was yesterday)...well I'm saying today because that's when I found out about it....anyway, the first person officially covered a song I wrote (co-wrote) on youtube and it's the most bizarre feeling in the world! I cannot even described how it feels to have a girl, I've never met, who lives somewhere I've never been, playing my song for an audience! I remember sitting in my house writing this song while recording it on my computer...I'm so emotionally attached to all my songs that it's bizarre to see them detached from the circumstances and thoughts that bore them....I feel flattered...but it's a confusing sort of flattery...but hopefully it's something I'll have to get used to :) ------------hopefully many more covers to come...oh and it helps that she didn't completely butcher the song as well...it was decently done (I'll always prefer my own version though)...It's weird ( I guess I'm going to chat about being a songwriter in general now...lol) but once I write and record a song and listen back to it, it's hard to believe it's me singing and/or playing it at all. I just get used to the way it sounds and then it's as if my performing side is a separate entity to the 'self' I consider to be me, for all intents and purposes... So when I say I prefer my own version, it's not because I have an unhealthy obsession with myself (lol), really I just have split personalities...ha ha ha....just kidding. But really, the way I perform it is based on the original emotion that belongs to me, that brings me back to the moment I wrote it, and it simply can't be duplicated being so close to my heart....

I'm done being strange now :)

I learned the acoustic version of Paramore's "Decode" today. Hopefully if I get to record it as video, I will attract more viewers to my youtube page. There are soooooooooo many people obsessed with the twilight film that it's sure to catch a few, if not more. Recruit some new fans maybe? I also am hoping to record a couple new originals, but this all depends on how cooperative my sad recording equipment decides to be. Perhaps this will all end up to be only talk, and I'll actually be able to post nothing.... Regardless, I feel good today. For once. And I could get used to the feeling of happiness.....

I may be sitting in my shower with my guitar as I'm writing this, but I am happy indeed :)

Thank you to all those who follow my musical endeavors...I don't actually know if anyone reads this blog. *so I now officially request that everyone who reads this leave a comment even if it's just a smiley face or 'ok' or 'cool' or 'loser'....lol. just so I know I'm not alone in this world. I'll continue writing regardless...I need to vent sometimes.

Maybe I'll get a counter for my blog and I can know for real how many people read this....It's like I'm from the stone age sometimes- I should have thought of that much earlier than now.

BYE!

*kori eryn*

Alva (1) original video:

Cover of Alva (1) by Hannah Olsen:

I wish I could Sing to You.

It's overwhelmingly difficult to be a singer-songwriter with no one to share a song with...with no way of recording and sharing via youtube, myspace, blog...I'm miserable and not being able to share music is difficult enough without the songwriter being in an emotionally crushing situation...every day is a struggle with wondering how to pay our bills, trying to organize and make sense of the chaos, raising a two year old boy, dealing with parents who are selfish and immature...crippled human beings lost in their own minds

...I'm just doing my best to get by. Would it be too much to ask, just to be able to sing it all away for a little while? Apparently, the answer to that is yes.

So I leave here some lyrics...poetry maybe, instead of notes and harmonies...They will have to suffice for now :(

This is my newest song:

TAKING CHANCES (K. Eryn H.)

We speak of souls and steal-trapped doors

But shudder more at what's in store

For bodies, frail, with sinews sore

From taking chances without getting more...

...than solitude and servitude

And several seconds more

To prove the world is round and words are sound

And we're just taking chances

And there's no one left to talk to 

Cause there's no one left here

Who understands that growing up is not just something bodies do.

We speak like we've got something on our minds.

We sever in the middle

Straying but a little.

Vernal love's not second rate

And in the moment lives as fate

But shake it just a little

There's promise in the shiver...

Give me solitude and servitude

And several seconds more

To prove the world is round and words are sound

And we're just taking chances

And there's no one left to talk to 

Cause there's no one left here

Who understands that growing up is not just something bodies do.

Love's not free so please forgive me

I would never be so kind...

And there's no one left to talk to

Cause there's no one left here

Who understands that growing up is not just something bodies do.

***************************************************************

Thanks to my marvelous husband who never fails to be the supportive, nurturing, loving, and loyal partner I need. At the risk of being cliche, you are the light in my dark. I only say it because it's true. I love my monster :)

*kori eryn*

Photos

Ok...here's the deal. My computer is malfunctioning. I can't record. I am in a state of pure creativity (I have been for the last couple weeks at the very least) and I am unable to do anything about it. I live in teeny tiny Ashaway, RI. There is little to no opportunity in the area to pursue any creative endeavors and little to no people to collaborate with. On top of all that, I don't have a car I can drive. My family is in the throngs of absolute poverty and dear lord, I pray that there's no where to go but up.

I am currently attempting a fundraising effort to benefit our creative struggles so that I and my oh so talented love may not linger in such an unsatisfying state of being for too much longer. We have so much to share! So the fundraiser currently consists of the selling of my photography (which I am very proud of) to those who support my creative pursuits and that of my artist/musician/poet husband, William Edward Houlihan. We will be selling prints in the following sizes (to start) 3x5, 5x7, 8x10. The prints will all be delivered in a mat frame of the appropriate size and color to correspond with the particular photo ordered. Payment must be received in full before photo package is sent, including shipping. These photos will be able to be viewed via youtube videos in which the photographs will all be labeled individually as to avoid confusion and ease the ordering process. If the photos become viewable in another location online, I will be sure to post that when applicable. Hopefully, this will all be started within the next week or so... I'll update this later when I have more information.