Anyway I Can, I'll Stay.

Wrote this song yesterday, and as always, I'd rather sing it than type out lyrics but here I go anyway seeing as I don't have any choice in that matter for the time being.

Stay Anyway

(K. Eryn H.)

When we woke up this morning, you said that you forgive me

But there's no telling at all if you believe me

Or if it's just habit to stay

I know nothing about a sweet surrender

There's just nothing sweet about knowing

What you want and what you need are always two different things

And it's bittersweet to stay

It's bittersweet to stay when all the choices are already made

So still my heart, it's beating may give me away

There is nothing to be done about it

Knowing nothing can be done about it

I'm asking just to stay anyway

And it's hard saying "never" and "forever"

Knowing no return, my lungs are ever bruising from this heavy breathing

Keeping two should be relieving

Oh, stupid heart, you never did know what was good for you

And it's bittersweet to stay

It's bittersweet to stay when all the choices are already made

So still my heart, it's beating may give me away

There is nothing to be done about it

Knowing nothing can be done about it

I'm asking just to stay anyway

Anyway I can, I'll stay...

There is a right way for me to pursue music. I know there is. So why does it have to be so damn evasive. Every time I think I've figured it out, it just goes and blows up in my face and there I am starting from scratch again. I will figure it out. It's just a matter of how many times I can get it wrong before that happens.... 

Do I want to be the mother that's always saying goodbye to her beautiful son? - No!

Do I want to be the singer/songwriter who gives up on her dreams? - No!

The problem being, I have an innate yearning to be everything for everyone, including myself - high standards, perfectionism, and all that- and yet I usually end up feeling more like a failure because of it. I am a musician. It flows in my blood. And I will find happiness through it all.....

....it's such a fine line between the truth and a lie.... (to quote myself)

Sorry for being such a babbler. Maybe what I need is a diary-not a blog...lol. I've never been one for diaries though...such a typical girl thing to take part in...not my style. So blog it is! And I can continue to drag all you fine people through the mud with me every step of the way...ha ha. But just think, the success will be that much sweeter because of it.... (right?)

Hooray!

So today (or maybe it was yesterday)...well I'm saying today because that's when I found out about it....anyway, the first person officially covered a song I wrote (co-wrote) on youtube and it's the most bizarre feeling in the world! I cannot even described how it feels to have a girl, I've never met, who lives somewhere I've never been, playing my song for an audience! I remember sitting in my house writing this song while recording it on my computer...I'm so emotionally attached to all my songs that it's bizarre to see them detached from the circumstances and thoughts that bore them....I feel flattered...but it's a confusing sort of flattery...but hopefully it's something I'll have to get used to :) ------------hopefully many more covers to come...oh and it helps that she didn't completely butcher the song as well...it was decently done (I'll always prefer my own version though)...It's weird ( I guess I'm going to chat about being a songwriter in general now...lol) but once I write and record a song and listen back to it, it's hard to believe it's me singing and/or playing it at all. I just get used to the way it sounds and then it's as if my performing side is a separate entity to the 'self' I consider to be me, for all intents and purposes... So when I say I prefer my own version, it's not because I have an unhealthy obsession with myself (lol), really I just have split personalities...ha ha ha....just kidding. But really, the way I perform it is based on the original emotion that belongs to me, that brings me back to the moment I wrote it, and it simply can't be duplicated being so close to my heart....

I'm done being strange now :)

I learned the acoustic version of Paramore's "Decode" today. Hopefully if I get to record it as video, I will attract more viewers to my youtube page. There are soooooooooo many people obsessed with the twilight film that it's sure to catch a few, if not more. Recruit some new fans maybe? I also am hoping to record a couple new originals, but this all depends on how cooperative my sad recording equipment decides to be. Perhaps this will all end up to be only talk, and I'll actually be able to post nothing.... Regardless, I feel good today. For once. And I could get used to the feeling of happiness.....

I may be sitting in my shower with my guitar as I'm writing this, but I am happy indeed :)

Thank you to all those who follow my musical endeavors...I don't actually know if anyone reads this blog. *so I now officially request that everyone who reads this leave a comment even if it's just a smiley face or 'ok' or 'cool' or 'loser'....lol. just so I know I'm not alone in this world. I'll continue writing regardless...I need to vent sometimes.

Maybe I'll get a counter for my blog and I can know for real how many people read this....It's like I'm from the stone age sometimes- I should have thought of that much earlier than now.

BYE!

*kori eryn*

Alva (1) original video:

Cover of Alva (1) by Hannah Olsen:

I wish I could Sing to You.

It's overwhelmingly difficult to be a singer-songwriter with no one to share a song with...with no way of recording and sharing via youtube, myspace, blog...I'm miserable and not being able to share music is difficult enough without the songwriter being in an emotionally crushing situation...every day is a struggle with wondering how to pay our bills, trying to organize and make sense of the chaos, raising a two year old boy, dealing with parents who are selfish and immature...crippled human beings lost in their own minds

...I'm just doing my best to get by. Would it be too much to ask, just to be able to sing it all away for a little while? Apparently, the answer to that is yes.

So I leave here some lyrics...poetry maybe, instead of notes and harmonies...They will have to suffice for now :(

This is my newest song:

TAKING CHANCES (K. Eryn H.)

We speak of souls and steal-trapped doors

But shudder more at what's in store

For bodies, frail, with sinews sore

From taking chances without getting more...

...than solitude and servitude

And several seconds more

To prove the world is round and words are sound

And we're just taking chances

And there's no one left to talk to 

Cause there's no one left here

Who understands that growing up is not just something bodies do.

We speak like we've got something on our minds.

We sever in the middle

Straying but a little.

Vernal love's not second rate

And in the moment lives as fate

But shake it just a little

There's promise in the shiver...

Give me solitude and servitude

And several seconds more

To prove the world is round and words are sound

And we're just taking chances

And there's no one left to talk to 

Cause there's no one left here

Who understands that growing up is not just something bodies do.

Love's not free so please forgive me

I would never be so kind...

And there's no one left to talk to

Cause there's no one left here

Who understands that growing up is not just something bodies do.

***************************************************************

Thanks to my marvelous husband who never fails to be the supportive, nurturing, loving, and loyal partner I need. At the risk of being cliche, you are the light in my dark. I only say it because it's true. I love my monster :)

*kori eryn*