...so I haven't even had the ability to even think about the direction of my music or my life for that matter. This is an ongoing concern with me and honestly, my health seems like it's rapidly diminishing. I feel so fragile all the time. To say it's disappointing would be a vast understatement. Being so breakable and so ultra sensitive to everything is really starting to affect my day to day living and my ability to do things. Some days I'm alright but other days, I'm fighting just to get the necessities taken care of so I can lay down. I'm currently trying to see if changing my diet will make any difference in my 'condition' (not that I know what that is). I'm trying to avoid seeing a doctor...I haven't had very good experiences with doctors when I don't know what's wrong with myself already. It sounds silly, I know. Maybe I've just had the wrong doctors. Either way, experience tells me that if I go to the doctor's not having figured out what's wrong myself, they'll take a bunch of tests, tell me they can't find anything wrong, send me to a neurologist who then tries to sell me on sleeping pills I don't need....no thank you. Psychologically, I was just starting to feel better about my life and it's possible directions, etc. when this whole physical unwell started to be a concern. I started to become very sensitive to the food I ate (now I can hardly eat anything at all without feeling ill), suffering from extreme motion sickness (even riding in the car is a fight for me), not being able to do anything remotely physical (even yoga makes me dizzy and nauseated), and over-heating and feeling dizzy at the most bizarre of times.
Even though I'm whining through this blog, don't get me wrong-I am happy and I know that everything will turn out fine in the end (whenever that may be). It's just that my inability to go about my everyday activities as I would have in the past is very frustrating and crippling emotionally as well. Spring has finally begun, even if the temperature is still falling into the 30's now and then. I love spring and I love partaking in outdoor activities and staying busy, but it's hard to stay busy and focused when your body is rebelling against all your wishes.
All in all, I feel blessed for the family I have to take care of me and care for me enough to be concerned and offer any help they can. Everything happens for a reason and in due time I will accomplish all that I am intended to accomplish, and perhaps this detour is not a detour after all despite what it may seem.
This is all very humbling...I am completely aware of the vulnerability of being a human. I am not indestructible and I will not live forever...not in this body anyway.
I'll leave you all with a simple quote that's sums up how I feel at the moment from Ingrid Michaelson, talented singer/songwriter - look her up if you haven't already. "I just want to be okay, I just want to be okay today. I just want to know today, know that maybe I will be okay"
